ani place in time

Mar-Jun 2026

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It has been just over a week since I've moved back across the country, leaving Spokane to settle in Providence for the foreseeable future (at least the next few years). Being alone for 5 days as well as driving for 46 hours has given me lots of time to think, something I have been very much so avoiding for the past 6 months. Thinking means coming to terms with the fact that there is a chance I will never again see a set of people that care for me deeply and that I love. Thinking means coming to terms with the idea that my family may never recognize who I am. Thinking means coming to terms with the fact that my time of safety and protection within my profession is coming to an end. Thinking means coming to terms with the fact that I'm taking a huge risk moving across the country to be with my partner, whom I love deeply and devotionally, because what if it doesn't work out?

Spokane was the first place I lived where I was only known as Ani. A select few people knew my birth name, but it was never a choice that I had made for them to know. I decided that truly it was no one's business what my birth certificate says. My name is Ani, and even though I've been Ani for 3 years now, Eastern Washington will always feel like the place that became true. I still carry the baggage of my birth name, as my mother so kindly reminded me with my first piece of mail since moving, but that is a weight I hope to unload soon. Hopefully by my birthday it will all be sorted. If you were part of my life in Spokane and you are reading this, thank you for making my time there so special. There are a few people who deserve direct love and gratitude, though: Taylor, for creating a place I immediately felt welcome and for never ending love and compassion; Rachel, for being my first (and best) real true friend and seeing me as I am and leaving no room to guess whether or not I was welcome; Olive, for being the first person to make me feel like Spokane really could be home; and Lily, for showing me what community is in a small town. There's so many more people I could name, but please rest assured that if I was comfortable letting you into my digital life, you made my past year worthwhile. Just text me if you need the direct validation.

A lot of thinking over the past two week also has me recognizing that what I truly find valuable with my time, things that I often neglected or ignored over the past six months. Without making promises to myself or saying I will commit to doing these things (because that's often a thing I do right before spiraling), these are the things I miss the most. I miss working on creative endeavors, first and foremost being this website, but also taking pictures and making music. I miss reading. I miss learning about fashion and thinking about clothing. I miss dedicating time to watching new (to me) movies and listening to new music. I miss writing and working through my thoughts. I miss practicing mindfulness. I miss having a dedicated nighttime routine. I miss not being on my phone all the time. I miss cooking for myself. I know all of these things are possible. Probably not all the time, but there are ways to bring bits and pieces back into my life. Likely, taking care of my mind and body is first. I'll give it an honest effort if you do too.

Attached here is the 9.5 hour playlist I created for my going away party. It was meant to play straight through to set the tone for the entire night, but do whatever you want. This is brief to get myself back into practice, but very soon will be a more in depth update (I'm writing this in August and I've got shit to say). Welcome back. I'll see you soon.

I love you. I hope to hear from you soon.

~ani~

Feb-Mar 2026

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Trying to reflect on February and I'm not certain what there is to say. I haven't been taking much time to really sit and think, though hopefully that will come as I start to try and bolster my mindfulness practice some more. It feels like my hormones have been really agreeing with me. I haven't noticed any major changes, nothing anyone else would pick up on, but emotionally I think I feel more aligned. It's not an easy thing to try and explain, but my mind feels more at ease. There's a certain kind of calm and peace I've been feeling recently that I can only predict is from my brain and body feeling more aligned. Physically, I've definitely started to notice some skin softening and diminished hair growth. I don't look very different (at least I don't think I do), but I've been able to shave more frequently and get a clean shave all without getting as many ingrown hairs. It has been so wonderful – I've never been able to shave any part of my body against the grain of hair growth without suffering significant consequences from the pain of regrowth. It's only been a month, so I am increasingly excited about the possibility of being smooth always. I have been considering electrolysis even more. It's not as expensive as I feared, and no amount of shaving seems to get rid of my perpetual 5 o'clock shadow. Not needing to shave and having no shadow of a beard would bring a level of euphoria I can only imagine.

One big realization I made this month was thanks to one of my BFFs taking me to a sauna for the first time. On top of being a generally overwhelming though relaxing experience, the people at the sauna really made the experience something special. I didn't really talk to many of the people, but the sauna was clothing optional. I was the most clothed, but I was surrounded by queer and trans people comfortable enough in this situation to show their bodies. Even when I wasn't comfortable enough to show myself like that, it was so affirming and brought on a profound sense of joy, comfort, and peace with who I am, where I am, and where I'm going.

In a general sense, the entire experience made me re-realize the need I have for incorporating calming activities in my life. Immediately after the sauna, my friend and I decided to hold each other accountable for reestablishing a practice of mindfulness. I've only been about 50% successful, but any attempt is better than nothing. Having her keep me accountable is encouraging to keep trying though. My biggest challenge is always the end of the day. It's significantly easier for me to incorporate these practices into my morning routine when I'm not so fatigued, but taking the time in the morning is harder as I'm usually already running around trying to fit in too many activities. So I've been resigned to try to practice at night when I'm much more likely to fabricate excuses not to take the 10 minutes required to reset my brain. Without that reset, I'm much more likely to fully check-out, stay up too late, and the cycle continues when I stay in bed longer in the morning and don't have time to meditate before work. Given my particular set of mental health problems, incorporating relaxation techniques is so useful for me and feels incredible when I make a practice of it. I sound like a broken record, but I used to have my brain wired to take care of my self and my space, so I know I'm capable. Living alone makes it feel significantly more difficult to do. It's easier to lie to yourself than others, and it takes a certain level of self respect and motivation to maintain. When there's other people to "clean up after", it's very natural to me to maintain a tidy and clean space. It's too easy to push my responsibilities to the carrot on a stick that is tomorrow. And like that carrot, I'll never reach the reward of having that calm atmosphere. Though, as I've been trying to remind myself more, the process itself is relaxing for me. The outcome is incredible, but the process is a joy in itself. It's difficult to lose when the goal is the experience despite the outcome.

It all comes back to something I'm constantly yelling about - entropy. Everything worthwhile is all about decreasing entropy. It's been a long time since I've taken physics, but my memory states that entropy is a description of a system's energy and its order. It's the second law of thermodynamics that describes the reality that entropy is destined to increase without intervention. Think of any activity that leaves you with long term benefits, and I can guarantee that at the core of the activity, you are decreasing entropy and increasing order. Exercise is reordering cells and nutrients into larger, more organized groups. Meditation is coming to terms with the inherent entropy of the mind and attempting to decrease its tendency to move towards a chaotic state. Cleaning and bathing are more obvious examples, but think about reading and learning as also organizing one's mind and, again, decreasing entropy. At least for my own health and wellbeing, I am able to recognize the War Against Entropy as the eternal battle that I participate in daily. I'll never win the war, but each battle won is a major victory.

I've been majorly rewatching Ted Lasso the past month or two. It can be incredibly on the nose and heavy handed at times, but this rewatch was having me really think about and identify with the emotional aspects of the show. The heavy handed lessons were hitting at the exact time I was realizing those lessons for myself. Most of all, Ted's relationship with Dr. Fieldstone in season two really sat with me. I'd gone to therapy for four years straight, but I've never been certain how much benefit I was really getting from it. I can go in and go through the motions, talk about how I'm doing and my childhood and how it may affect the way I process my emotions now, but it's all in service of my protective reflexes. I'm able to do all of this while still not being truly vulnerable. The sad truth is that I have a very hard time letting people into my life, and even the people close to me are still kept at a safe distance. But there are deeper relationships to be had by allowing vulnerability to show itself with the people I know care about me. Though I haven't quite internalized the fact that to feel less alone, I need to be more open. It can often appear as though I'm very self assure, but it increasingly feels like a protective mechanism. My brain is still protecting itself, and I am still unwilling and unable to really look inwards to find the real root cause of so many of my harmful behaviors. I've lived with these coping mechanisms for so long, and they allow me to not face the things that are really driving me to do what I do. It doesn't feel like I emotionally prepared to investigate and shine a light on those coping mechanisms, let alone leave them behind and live without them. Not without the help from my friends, which is only available if I allow myself to kick down the walls that keep me isolated.

Aside from that, I haven't been having a very inspired watchlist this past month. One thing I found interesting was watching Peter Bogdanovich's audio commentary for Paper Moon. He's an encyclopedia of film knowledge which can be very exciting to listen to, but mostly it inspired me to get out with some black & white film loaded. As simple of a thing as hearing him talk about using a red filter to boost contrast, something he learned from Orson Welles, was enough to make me want to experiment myself and see what results I get. When I'm finished with this roll I want to finally develop it myself. Stay tuned. And look out for some new film photos next update.

I was away from Spokane for several weekends in February, but I've been making an active effort to be more social still. It's looked like me continuing to return to my usual haunts but more regularly and participate more. I'm finally starting to enjoy living alone again, and it's beginning to make the idea of leaving this city a bit more bittersweet. I'm attempting to use my short time left as motivation to make connections. It's taken 8 months, but I'm really starting to find the charm in Spokane.

Listening-wise, I kind of hate to admit it, but I've been absolutely obsessed with Geese's Getting Killed. I don't have anything unique to add to the discourse, just that I find what the kids are doing to be very exciting. And they're really fun to listen to talk. They're smart and funny, but they aren't overly pretentious (that I've noticed). You can see how excited they are about their own work, and it's really refreshing. It bings a big ol' smile to my face.

About a week went by where I was absolutely obsessed with Hold On Loosely by .38 Special. It's so tightly composed, so smartly written, absolutely infectious performances – I couldn't get it out of my head. .38 Special only have two incredible songs, but forreal it's enough to cement them as important in the American pop music canon. Aside from those, Friend by james K and Brian Eno's pop records, specifically that first trilogy, were in heavy rotation.

Reading has also been pretty slow, though I re-read James Baldwin's Go Tell It On the Mountain over the course of a week. And I finally got around to reading A Streetcar Named Desire. Talk about double duty ambiguous character building. Go Tell It On the Mountain is such a wonderful examination of the hypocrisy ever present in religious organizations. I love the way it explores how people reckon with the bad decisions they've made in the past. In a subtle way, I feel the way it investigates the way people perceive others based on their past mistakes is very real. Whether or not you've learned from your previous actions and made active changes doesn't matter to many people. They will continue to remember and judge you because of your weakest moments. I hope that you, dear reader, don't judge people based on their lowest times. Everyone is full of humanity, and I think everyone deserves grace and understanding. Forgiveness can be difficult, but speaking from personal experience, if someone has truly grown out of the version of themselves that did what might be considered unforgivable, they are already killing themselves reckoning with their actions.

What I'm I hoping for in the near future? For one, Lynn is visiting for a quick trip to Portland in a few weeks. It's been 4 months since we've seen each other, and I'm excited to peak behind the curtain and learn a little more about her life before we met. I want to continue to structure my life around relaxation. I'm excited to see how my confidence continues to grow in both my personal and professional life. And I want to commit to some creative projects again. I would love to cook for myself regularly again, but as I go on, I know I'm being overly ambitious. May we keep striving for perfection while recognizing the process, and not the outcome, is the goal.

link to recent music releases / bandcamp

currently enjoying

listening

Brian Eno - Here Come the Warm Jets
Radiator Hospital - Torch Song
james K – Friend

watching

Ted Lasso

reading

James Baldwin - Go Tell It On the Mountain

I love you. I hope to hear from you soon.

~ani~

Jan-Feb 2026

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I approach the end of this month with an optimism I haven't felt in a while. I'm still recovering from my brief time in Pittsburgh, but the fog in my mind is beginning to clear. As I write, I feel a sense of contentment that I'm trying to savor for what's it's worth. I'm enjoying having a handpiece in my hand again, but so much time this month has truly been lost on me. I don't mean that in a derogatory, wasted time sense, but as I look back on the past while, I can't tell you how the majority of my time was spent outside of work. I think I needed a break though, and for the moment I'm feeling more rejuvenated. My medications have started to take full effect again, something I feel most strongly this weekend. In my current state of contentment, I'm realizing I need more things to look forward to on a short-term basis, small habits and joys built into my routine daily and weekly that I can be excited for. The things I've found recently that bring me joy are my Saturday Everything Showers and going to the bar where my favorite people in Spokane work. Even if they're to busy to talk most of the night, it feels nice to recognize how excited they are to see me, and I'm very content to sit there with them close and do my best to keep a rotating cast of characters also sitting at the bar entertained. The same goes for the coffee shop around the corner from me. I want to make visiting at minimum a weekly habit because I love getting to see and chat with Taylor, the owner, for a few minutes. I even met one of the baristas and that is now hopefully developing into a good friendship.

The tricky part is finding ways to fit in things I know I enjoy but have a difficult time giving the energy or time necessary to do. I like semi-elaborate bedtime routines and eating breakfast at home in the mornings and yoga and mindfulness and reading and writing my friends and cooking. These things aren't out of the question – there was a time when I did any one of these things on a regular basis. I'm approaching it cautiously and hoping to build mmomentum instead of burning up immediately. That pattern is just as common as this "I wish for change" language on this website.

Aside from trying to get out a bit more, I've been a fiend for Blurays recently, and I've spent a lot of time shopping for and buying movies. Part of this is motivated by my love for physical media, part of it is motivated by my frustration with the streaming model. Have I watched any of them? Hardly. But when I do want to watch them, I can. At any time! Movies like The Fly and Rocky Horror and Booksmart and Me and Earl and the Dying Girl that are available so sporadically it infuriates me! I'm surprised music streaming platforms haven't adopted the same model, but I guess they kind of tried with exclusive releases and artists pulling music from different platforms. Music streaming was never as splintered as video streaming though, and the way people interact with and think about music and its worth was never going to allow that model to succeed.

The new By Storm record was released just as this month was closing and gggoooddddddaaammmnnn it's so good. The instrumentals are significantly more relaxed than By the Time I Get to Phoenix, much more focus on space and texture this time. It really feels like they took all the skills they learned and refined it from the chaos. Ritchie sounds incredible as well and follows a similar MO. His vocal stylings are even more out there and expressive, but more clear. It is really an incredible piece of music. If you know me at all, you know I've been following Injury Reserve since their first mixtape Live From the Dentist Office, and they've always been one of my favorite hip hop groups. More recetly, it's felt so much like they've grown exactly in line with my own taste of music, but their execution is better than ever. At this point, they've hit full stride, and I am endlessly excited to see where they go next.

Final bit of news is that I started HRT (or anti-boy-otics according to one very funny Lynn) just a few days before the end of the month. Not much has happened yet, and it'll probably be at least a month before I notice much change. I'm very excited for what's to come though. So far, they've just made me nauseous.

There's no creative updates for the moment, it's been a very slow season for me. I am sitting on a roll of film that I need to get developed, but I'm lazy, and it's very expensive in Spokane (but they do an astounding job). It's on my list of things to do before the end of next month, but with turn around times etc. it might still not be done. I hope you're not a nail biter or you'll have nothing but nubs while waiting anxiously.

link to recent music releases / bandcamp

currently enjoying

listening

By Storm - My Ghosts Go Ghost
John Coltrane - Ascension
Xiu Xiu - Xiu Mutha Fuckin' Xiu: Vol. 1

watching

Vince Gilligan - Breaking Bad
Wes Craven - Nightmare on Elm Street
Sam Raimi - The Evil Dead

reading

Ottessa Moshfegh - My Year of Rest and Relaxation

I love you. I hope to hear from you soon.

~ani~

Dec 2025-Jan 2026

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2025 was a rough year, certainly competing for one of my worst mental health wise. But I have a recency bias, so take my potential catastrophizing with a grain of salt.

The year started out with high hopes. I began to get medicated for ADHD and depression, I started this wonderful project of a website, I was going to graduate dental school and move across the country. But I feel like I've been clawing against the top of my grave, and the dirt being piled on top is just outpacing my breaking fingernails.

Dental school graduation seemed potentially unattainable until the moment it happened, and, honestly, every day I question if I'm cut out for the responsibility of being a doctor. The whole time I was in Japan and moving to Spokane, the question of "am I going to graduate" was looming over me.

Once I got to Spokane, lack of communication and an ensuing argument left me 100% alone in the PNW; I was no longer friends with the one person in the area I had any connection with, the only person I thought I could rely on for a close, personal, platonic relationship.

It's been 6 months or so now, and I still haven't made any real friends. I have acquaintances at the bar and my co-residents, but largely I am alone. It certainly feels that way at least.

The year started out with me getting into an argument with my family about my names and pronouns – this has most definitely not been resolved. When called out for it, they told me they "didn't understand" but wouldn't accept resources on the matter because they "wanted to hear it from me", but they never asked any question, and that they "try to say Ani, but the word just won't make it to their lips", and that once I was in Spokane it would be "out of sight, out of mine" and my mom would revert anyways to my deadname. (If there's any English majors reading, this is the part where I must apologize for the egregious run on sentence just used. I am sorry. I know it's wrong, but sometimes you need to break the rules to more effectively communicate emotion) Changing my name in their phone is an easy, low effort change, something small to remind them and speak volumes to me that they care, but that never happened. And every piece of mail I get, I'm reminded that I'm not worth the effort. They told me I should consider myself lucky they didn't put me out on the street after I told them, as if that didn't complicate the situation more for me. If they kicked me out, I would have at least had the chance to move on. Now they still hold me obligated to see them, spend time with them, be apart of the family. I'm not sure that works for me anymore. I've had to see my family or parents three times over the past four months, each time resulting in me spiraling a bit, culminating in a trip to Pittsburgh over Christmas where I stayed with them for a week. Just as I was beginning to accept myself more and take steps to care for myself, I returned to the house I grew up in. For a week, my sense of self was eroded, any confidence I had started to build up was gone. I felt like a ghost walking around my childhood home. It is obvious that no one really cares to see the true me, and I'm not loved as Ani. This has been tough.

But it hasn't been all bad this year. In many ways, I've been the most myself I've ever been able to be. I walked at graduation as Ani, and I moved somewhere people only know me as Ani. I spent some of my happiest moments in Pittsburgh this past spring, mostly thanks to Lynn taking me everywhere. The two of us drove to Philly on a whim and scalped tickets to a sold out show so we could watch Hop Along play for 40 minutes. I got more into cooking for a while, and made some truly memorable meals. I felt my photography grow as well. I saw Still House Plants live finally, and I got to be apart of my best friends' wedding, allowed to truly love and be loved. A week+ in Japan was pure bliss, and some of my last moments in Pittsburgh being used to see Feeble Little Horse in a basement felt like a proper closing of a circle for the city. And there's been some truly beautiful moments visiting Lynn in Rhode Island, and her visiting me here. And where one deep platonic friendship ended, another began, and I had a wonderful new friendship blossom more this past year.

As we begin the new year, I've been listening to a lot of Waxahatchee, especially her 2024 record Tigersblood and her recent collaboration with her sister, Snocaps. Both present fairly simply, but the writing, especially on Tigersblood, really shines. LOTTO by They Are Gutting a Body of Water had me in a chokehold this fall, and as always, I couldn't stop listening to the Fall.

While my mental health suffered, I read less but began to fight my way through books slowly. Misinterpretation by Ledia Xhoga and Vineland by Thomas Pynchon were both good but, similarly, let downs of novels. They had wonderful writing and good stories, the narratives just didn't connect with me in meaningful ways. I'm reading Bend Sinister by Vladimir Nabokov now; it's over my head in a similar way to Pynchon but still enjoyable. I saw wonderful movies for the first time this year. Funeral Parade of Roses, I Saw the TV Glow, We're All Going to the World's Fair, Jeanne Dielman, 23, quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles, and High and Low were all bright spots that deepened my appreciation for film.

What does the next year look like for me? I really don't know. I'm still trying to dig myself out of the hole I've seemingly been in forever. I want to keep up with this site, and I want to decrease my social media use. Somewhere along the line this past year, keeping up with the site became work. I have to continue to grow and hope that someday it, and life, come easier. That's the ideal we're working towards, some art for art's sake bullshit, but I mean it. Perfect is impossible, but that doesn't mean I don't want it. Let's hope the journey is enjoyable.